I'm not even going to apologize for the grammatical errors and randomness that will inherently be found in this post. I had promised myself during my pregnancy that I was going to keep my blog up and do all of these cute baby/family posts...that was until reality happened and other things just took priority. But this one...this is a biggie. It's worth documenting, even if done poorly.
A year ago at this time, I was making these "padsicle" things I had read about...you mix witch hazel and lavender oil and put a few tablespoons onto pads and freeze them. Sounded like it would feel good. As I was making them, I just had this gut feeling that they would never be used because I'd end up having a c-section. If only my premonitions about the NCAA tournament were as spot-on.
You can re-read Carson's birth story, but mentally going back there...it really couldn't have been more perfect. Having a c-secion at 10:30 at night was actually quite wonderful. Why? Because it was so quiet and peaceful. There wasn't the normal hustle and bustle of the day. The lights were dim, voices were quiet, and the pace was lessened. The only loud thing about any of it was Carson's first cries.
So how has the past year been? Well, if I could write down every adjective in the English language...it would have been all of them at some point in time. Motherhood is the single hardest thing I've ever done, but it's also been the best thing I've ever done.
The first weeks were really rough, but then again, I don't know too many women who just sail through them like everything is sunshine and roses. After that, we got in our groove and it was manageable. Nursing was tough, mainly because Carson is the world's slowest eater in general. Even now that he's eating table food...he could eat dinner for 45 minutes if I allowed it. Then I went back to work, and that was a completely different kind of adjustment.
Actually, let me clarify...being a working mom is the hardest thing I've ever done. It's hard because I hate leaving my baby every morning, but it's also hard because I know that I'm doing something for me. Something that if I didn't do, I'd lose a part of myself that I desperately want Carson to know. It's hard because there is very little downtime and I'm always thinking of the next thing...because if I don't, the next thing is already staring me in the face. The saving grace of a working parent are the caregivers who nurture them while we're away. Carson has some great teachers, and he's the type of kid that thrives in the daycare environment. I cherish my days off and our weekends together as a family.
Going back to work took some adjusting for all of us, but once we got our routine down, we've done pretty well as far as I can tell. And I know that I'm biased, but a big contributor to how well things have gone is Carson's temperament. Unless he's hungry, sleepy, or teeth are coming in...he's happy. He's just a fun kid to be around and play with. Kyle and I say all the time that we know every kid has their own personality, but if they were all like Carson...we'd have 5 kids.
In a nutshell, this has been the craziest, most stressful, joyful, anxiety-inducing, heart-fulfilling, best year of my life. My son is just the coolest little thing that has ever happened to me. And I understand now why people say that children are a gift from God...because with all the imagination I can muster...I could never have come up with the amazing little creature that is laying in a crib 80 feet away from me. Every night, right before I crawl into bed myself...I go to Carson's room and just sit by his crib for a few minutes. Sometimes I pray, sometimes I just sit and listen to him breathe. But every night, I walk out of his room amazed that I have the capacity to love him more today than I did yesterday. I don't know how that works, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.
"My love is so high, and so wide and so deep, it's always right there, even when you're asleep. So hold your head high and don't be afraid to march to the front of your own parade. If you're still my small babe or you're all the way grown, my promise to you is you're never alone. You are my angel, my darling, my star...and my love will find you, wherever you are."
-Wherever You Are, Nancy Tillman
No comments:
Post a Comment