Baby bubbles

High Chair Laughs...

Moo No More

*I wrote this post over a month’s time, so I apologize for the poor tense usage. I started to go back and edit it accordingly, but decided the post seemed a little more honest in its “raw” form.

DISCLAIMER: MEN, this post is completely about breastfeeding…so feel free to read on, but I just thought I’d warn you in advance.

There are many challenges and choices that new mothers face. I’m coming to understand that breastfeeding [or not] is probably the biggest of them all.

I knew going into it, that many women struggle…the baby won’t latch, milk supply issues, mastitis, and a host of other things. So, I had given myself the permission to forgo breastfeeding in the event that it just didn’t work for us. I never really needed that permission, though, because other than taking what often seems like an eternity to eat and eating every 2-2.5 hours until he was almost 3 months old, Carson and I had become pretty good at this breastfeeding thing.

My supply would have its ups and downs, but even after returning to work, I was able to produce enough to only need to supplement with formula on occasion. Some days I was even able to freeze a little extra. I felt really great that I was able to do that for my child!

So why, then, does it make me feel so…awful.

I don’t ever remember reading anything where women talked about what breastfeeding and pumping does to you mentally…but I found out. On one hand, I was thrilled that I could keep up (for the most part) with my baby’s needs, and feed him in a way that many other mothers want to and cannot. But simultaneously, I was jealous of formula feeding mothers who didn’t have to worry about keeping the ice packs in their pumping bag frozen, how to work out the logistics of meeting friends for lunch after church, hiding in a back room to nurse/pump while family and friends visit in the living room, or your co-worker getting assignments because your office door is closed to pump. For me, breastfeeding meant isolation.

Many reading this will think, “well why didn’t you just nurse him on the go or in the living room. It’s natural and no one will care.” Well, for one, Carson takes between 30-45 minutes to nurse. So often times, (in the case of meeting people for lunch) everyone else is done eating lunch and ready to go by the time I’ve finished feeding Carson, so I get my lunch to go and eat at home. So what was the point of going out? Also, he’s not just a latch on and eat ‘til full kind of kid. He will for the most part, but then he needs to be burped, change sides, sit up for a bit, etc… Nursing covers don’t really help enough in those situations for me to be comfortable nursing in public. I’d need an entire bed sheet to cover us. And that would just look stupid.

So here I sit, feeling so guilty. I decided to start weaning a bit seeing that I exclusively pump for the most part anyway; Carson really didn’t dictate my supply that much anymore. I and my pump did. I thought doing 50/50 breast milk/formula was a good compromise. But the knot in my stomach has me second-guessing myself. I have the ability to produce everything my child needs, but the process of doing so interferes so much with the rest of my life. So I guess my question to myself is…how much of my life is worth putting on hold so that I can 100% breastfeed my child?

I know that there are many opinions on this. Before starting on the weaning endeavor, I consulted a couple of friends that I knew would be objective and supportive. Both said, you have to do what is best for EVERYONE in your family. Not just what is best for the baby.

So, I guess the ultimate question is…is it better to feel guilty for not exclusively breastfeeding, or to have anxiety about being isolated?

Yes, I know that there are many 100% formula fed babies that grow up to be just fine. Actually, I am one of them! Incidentally, I have fewer health problems than a lot of people that I know were breastfed. And would my life have been that much different had my IQ had been 3 points higher? I doubt it. Oddly enough, I absolutely do not judge how other women choose to feed their babies. I think breastfeeding is a good thing to at least try, but your body and baby are not my own. So I place no degree of scrutiny over what anyone else does.

So, why then, do I feel so torn up?

I’m not certain that I have an answer. And no, I’m not looking for sympathy or applause. I’m just putting this out there because it’s what I’m going through, and I imagine that there are others doing the same.

9/9/2013 Update:

As of a week ago, I have completely stopped breastfeeding. At times it makes me sad because I miss that bonding time with my baby, but I don’t miss the feeding sessions with a fussy baby and me having anxiety about whether or not he’s actually eaten enough. I don’t miss having to go hide somewhere for 45 minutes every few hours. In fact, we went to OK over Labor Day weekend, and it was so nice not to have to worry about pumping or timing our travel with breastfeeding. I was actually able to enjoy myself and others around me so much more. And I definitely don’t miss pumping at work. I can wear normal clothes again!!

Carson has done really well on formula. He’s “chunked up” a little, his skin seems to be a little less dry, and he hasn’t near the diaper rash issues that he was being that he doesn’t have as many bowel movements every day. Quite frankly, he doesn’t care either way. If it’s warm milk and has a nipple of any kind…he’ll take it.

I am also happy that I chose to wean very slowly, almost over a month’s time. I had read about hormone crashes coinciding with rapid weaning…and that was the absolute last thing I needed! I was never in pain, and I think it helped Carson’s GI system adjust to getting formula full-time.

So all in all, it’s still a little bittersweet, but I know that this is one less-stressed mom, and I think that that has to be good for everyone!